I don't even know where to begin with such a story like this. Sometimes I wonder if it was all real. Or if I imagined it. But there's no way. Just no way. I have never encountered someone like this in my life. I never pictured myself being a victim of domestic abuse. Nobody does. And it hits you before you even know it. Once it comes you don't even recognize it. Its like it never existed. You question its very own existence. Or at least I did. All because we are somewhat blinded to love. To the truth. The glaring, nasty, obvious truth staring you right in the eyes.
I'm going to start the story off at the very beginning. Because that seems to be the obvious route to go. However, I intend on jumping a bit back and forth between time. So prepare yourselves for a ride.
I'm going to start the story off at the very beginning. Because that seems to be the obvious route to go. However, I intend on jumping a bit back and forth between time. So prepare yourselves for a ride.
Summer of 2011 had started out rough, with the ups and downs of a
clingy, womb-seeking man constantly nipping at my heels. I knew pretty quickly
after meeting John that my fate with him wasn't destined to be forever. I cut
the cord near the end of the summer, leaving but a few weeks left to enjoy the
hot and humid Montreal
sun. And I was just going on 7 months of sobriety. It definitely hadn’t been
easy, especially at the age of 29. Living downtown Montreal, surrounded by bars, night clubs and
patios. It was an alcohol haven sprinkled with high jinx. But I loved it. At this time I was feeling free, working out twice a week at an MMA
studio, eating healthy and taking good care of myself. I was onto my second
year at a financial institution as a Marketing and Communications Advisor. It
wasn't exactly a glamorous job but I was learning a lot of useful information,
not to mention a whole new language.
One sunny August
morning, I got up and put my favourite new shirt on, a $20 sheer tank with
three buttons down the front. It had dark and light blue paint splatters all
over it. I bought it at Target in Florida.
My parents bought a condo their a few years ago and I would often go a few
times a year and shop my little heart out. I lived in the Old Port,
within about 15 min walking distance from work. My morning walk was the best. I
would put my headphones on and listen to my favourite jams while soaking in all
the breathtaking architecture. I got to work that morning feeling pretty
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. My good friend Claira came to greet me at my
desk. We often went down to the 20th floor for breakfast at 9:30am.
The office had a subsidized cafeteria where you could buy soup, sandwiches,
salads and all kinds of other wonderful creations that Josie the cafeteria lady
would serve.
As we entered the
cafeteria, talking about a social media work project, I saw a younger looking man
out of the corner of my eye. I had seen this man for a few months now, but he
always seems so wrapped up in talking to the people he was with. He was handsome
and appeared as if he was in his mid-twenties. And he just looked like a movie
star. He never noticed me. But today was different. He noticed me. And I saw
it. Now, I definitely wasn't model material. Though, I knew I was an attractive
young lady. My body is slim yet athletic, with a nice round bum and perky
full-size breasts. Everything was pretty and in proportion. It was more my
charm. And I was fully aware of that which drew people to me. Most people
noticed me, because I was always talking and smiling with everyone. But never
him. Not until this very morning.
As I went to pay for my
breakfast sandwich, the handsome young man, with perfectly styled brown hair,
dark brown eyes and delicious lips walked up right beside me. "Hello"
he said, in a deep, yet heavy Quebecois accented voice. I looked up at him, not
sure if he was talking to me, and then quickly realized he was, because he was
staring right at me. "Hi", I said, quickly turning around on my heel,
walking away. Claira and I left the cafeteria and just as the door closed she
blurted "What was that all about"? "I don't know" I replied,
"But that was really weird".
I went back to my desk and sat down with my coffee and sandwich while
cruising through my emails. A few hours passed and suddenly I got a new pop up
for mail. I looked at the subject line and it said "Hello".
August 31, 2011
Alex:
Salut Lucy,
Want to have lunch tomorrow?
Lucy:
Salut!
I have an appointment tomorrow - can we go Friday instead?
Alex:
Of course
See you friday then!
Lucy:
parfait !
where should we meet?
Alex:
Let's meet down the elevators! where the little security guard is
Is twelve oclock good for you?
Lucy:
twelve is perfect. See you then!
______
That day, we met at 12:00 pm right in front of where the little security guard stood at the entrance, as instructed. Alexandr was standing there waiting for me when I arrived. He was wearing a dark blue and white striped Hugo Boss shirt, with the first three buttons undone revealing some of his chest hair. His pants were black, and fitted rather snugly to his bum. He has a really great bum, I thought. Wow. As we started walking to Piz Pistol, a pizza place on St.Catherines street, we started asking typical questions. One of my first questions to him was "How old are you?" "25", he said. Instantly I thought, Oh this isn't going to work. Far too young. "How old are you", he said. "29", I answered. "Hoooo, I thought you were around 26-27". Great, off to a good start I thought. Well what have I got to lose? I mean he's young, extremely sexy and could be fun. Kind of like Samantha Jones' Smith Jerrod from Sex and the City. Why not!
We sat down at a little table at Piz Pistol and each ordered a pizza. The questions continued to flow, where are you from, what do you do, where are you going. I told him that I had been born and raised in Toronto, Ontario but moved out to Whistler, B.C to follow one of the biggest events of the year, the Vancouver 2010 Olympics. I had spent 2 and a half years out there, working in marketing for the resort, while studying online for my project management certificate. I then left Whistler, B.C and drove my car all the way home to Toronto, alone. And shortly thereafter gotten a job working for a financial institution in Montreal. I also told him that I had been working on a fashion blog in my free time. He told me that he had recently moved out of his parents and into a place with some friends. He had just graduated from University and got a degree in finance. He was recently accepted into a sepcialized MBA program that had a focus on the CFA. He played music, didn't like going out to bars and clubs and played a lot of sports. This man couldn't quite get any better on paper, I thought.
After an hour exactly, we returned back to the office. I said thank you for lunch and we both took the elevator and went to our respective floors. I walked back towards my cubicle on giant, fluffy clouds. I sat down at my desk and just couldn't get over my excitement. How much fun was that, I thought? This could be a great little transition from out of a relationship. Hang out, go for lunches, have casual sex. It had the potential to be a nice, light little relationship. Both focusing on our goals, seeing each other in those little in between moments. And more importantly, focus on our career. Not getting married and having kids like with John. As I daydreamed at my desk about what a simple little relationship it would be, an email notification popped up on my screen:
Friday, September 2, 2011
Alexandre:
Hey I had a lot of fun, thanks for coming!
Lucie:
me too! thanks for inviting me... :)
Alexandre:
Haha you're right, Crocs are SO ugly
Lucie:
hahaha, i can't believe you're looking at it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alexandre:
Well I just took a fast look lol
I hope I won't be on that site next week haha
Lucie:
PS - here is my email. send me your music samples when you get a chance, i want to hear it!!!
Alexandre:
Ok I will Miss lucielee!
Here is mine.
Btw next week we're going for a drink after work if u want to
That weekend I went home to Toronto. I made plans to go to The Ex on Saturday with Travis. Which was kind of funny because he is actually my ex. Anyways, we were on a mission to sample as many deep fried food as we could. The more outrageous, the better! Deep fried butter balls is the furthest we went in terms of extreme deep friend tasting goes. It was a really great time, and I ended up sleeping over at Travis's, in his bed. We just slept beside each other like normal people and got up the next day to have brunch. My cousin Lindsay called me and asked how my date with "Hot sexy fuck-me lips" went. Lindsay and I are about as tight as siamese twins. She knows absolutely everything about me. It's scary. "So, how was it?" she asked excitedly. "Really good!", I said "He's definitely going to be fun. But that's it. He's FAR too young". "How old is he?" she asked. "26" I said. "Oh." she replied flatly. "Yes, fun indeed. A good transitioning relationship". "Exactly", I said. She just gets it, you know?
It was Monday morning and I was back at my desk. I picked out an especially cute outfit that morning in hopes of seeing Alexandre in the cafeteria. Perhaps I will just send him an email, I thought. Why not? He had always been so forward with me. So, I sat up in my chair, rolled my shoulders back and got into an upright position and wrote my little email.
September 5, 2011
Lucie:
Bon maaaaaaaaaatin, café?
Alexandre:
yea of course, at 9h45, u'll be there?
Lucie:
ouiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, very quickly.
Alexandre:
SO what are you're plans for this week?
Lucie:
not sure - i have plans tomorrow night - what about you?
Alexandre:
so what r my plans this week: nothing planned yet for tonight, tomorrow night I have class, thursday I have a music practice and nothnig for friday
Lucie:
i can make you dinner !!!! and you can come meet gary.
Alexandre:
hooo that sounds great!!!!!!!!!1
Meeting gary and eating a special dinner made by you and me (cuz I'm gonna help you), that's gonna be fun
Let's do that friday because I don't work the day after
Lucie:
gooooooooood. now we have to think about the menu (and what you would like for dessert!).
yes, friday is definitely better. glad you can make it.
Alexandre:
Alright we have until friday to figure out the menu lol
A nice plate of pasta wouldn't be bad though, it's always good and easy to cook!
Gary was my pet guinea pig. I got him last January when I was feeling lonely and in need of a pet. He was pretty low-maintenance and didn't exactly show a lot of affection, but he did the trick. I was living alone in a neat little apartment in the Old Port of downtown Montreal. I had just moved in July, highly anticipating being on my own again. The apartment was perfect for one. It was on the third story story of a triplex on a quiet side street that connected to cobblestone streets. I had beautiful hardwood floors and large wood rafters lining the ceiling.
Although I was excited to see Alexandre on Friday, I was also exploring my other desires. I had created an account on Plenty of Fish not that long ago in search of a woman. I had always known about my orientation ever since I was really young. My first sexual experience was with a girl. I knew I was attracted to woman, I just never really envisioned myself with one. To me, it was purely physical.
I came across an interesting profile, Puzzlefiend, she called herself. A highly intelligent young lady who had just completed her doctrate in the states. In her picture she had long, dark hair and brown eyes with a nice smile. I messaged her for coffee and we met shortly after. She reminded me of a number of people I knew all morphed into one other different person. I found this happened to me a lot. Since the initial date went really well we planned for a second one. There was a John Galliano fashion exhibit at the museum. We planned to go on the Wednesday prior to my hot dinner date Friday.
I walked to work that day with an extra pep in my step. It was sunny outside and the Old Port was calm and quiet. After 15 minutes I arrived at work and turned on my computer. It was 9:00 am. Coffee would be served at 9:30 am, as per Josie's usual schedule. I started to head down around 9:28 am. As I was helping myself to the free coffee, Alexandre stood right beside me. "Good morning" he said, "Good morning" I said back. God he was so hot. It was incredible, really. He looked like a Calvin Klein model. I always said I didn't want to date a guy who was better looking than me, which automatically deemed him off-limits by default. We had a quick chat, and he mentioned he was going shopping after work. Surely, a girl who loves to shop, couldn't resist and invited myself via email to join him before the end of the day.
Lucie:
hey, you still going shopping after work? you want company for an hour or so? i have some free time from 4:40 - 5:30.
(I learned somewhere along the lines of my professional career that if you give odd times, it makes people think that you're busier than you are). Now, it wasn't like I was pretending to be busy, I really did have a commitment, but for some reason I just couldn't resist myself in this case.
Alexandre:
Yea why not! I'll be glad to be accompanied by a pro shopper
I finish work around that time too
Lucie:
what's ur phone number so we can meet out of the office
I met Alexandre right after work in the exact same spot, where the little security guard was. We began our walk out of the building towards Saint-Catherine Street. As we walked we started firing questions at one another. "What's your favourite band" he asked. My knee-jerk reaction said "Nirvana", but then I quickly replaced that with "Beatles". "As much as I like Nirvana, I think a lot of my favorite music stems from the Beatles, so I will make that my final answer", I said, pretty pleased with myself. Alexandre looked happy with my choice, as well. We continued to walk and talk while we made our way to The Bay to look at ties for him to wear to his sisters wedding. After about 30 min of looking around and not finding anything, we both had to get on our way. Alexandre and I began walking towards our destinations when finally our paths split. "Thanks for joining me today", said Alexandre. "My pleasure", I answered. I swear Alexandre wanted to kiss me right there and then, but with me meeting Jessie right around the corner at the museum, I didn't think it would be a good idea. Not to mention it was a bit early for that. We said our goodbye's and walked in opposite directions. I'm starting to kind of like this guy, I thought. The lead up to Friday was beginning to become more and more exciting.
Lucie:
bonjour,
i hope your coffee stains are dry now!
question for demain: whats better, you come over right after work - or you go home and come over in the early evening?
Alexandre:
I take the second option!
It would have been fun to walk to your place, but I want to go get my car before
Lucy:
excellent ! and that gives me some time to start preparing the food...
what would you like for dessert, cookies or cupcakes?
Alexandre:
I'll say cupcakes cuz I think that's what u like the most haha
Do you like wine?
I don’t think I answered this question in the email…but we had a discussion about it while on a coffee break. I told him that I stopped drinking for about 7 months – that my family had a history of alcoholism and that I enjoyed not drinking. He didn't understand this notion – how someone like me could have a problem. He told me that I didn't have a problem – and more specifically "Who doesn't drink alcohol?" – this was a significant red flag for me. He wasn't understanding or empathic towards me being honest about who I was – and where I came from. But I took it as, well he came from a solid family with no history of alcoholism, so he just wouldn't understand. Just because he came from a "solid" family doesn't mean he can't be understanding or emphatic and respect and support my choice…and later on he shows no respect and forces me to drink.
Lucy:
you are soooooooooo sweet.
ok, pick one then, chocolate or vanilla.
Alexandre:
Hahaha, that's soooooooo sweet!
He came over for dinner that Friday night. He showed up about 20 min late. I made my signature meal: stuffed roast chicken with lemon and rosemary. Mashed patatoes with gravy and caramalized carrots. Homemade chocolate cupcakes for dessert. He didn't bring any wine over. I was playing the xx in the background. He asked me questions like "what are your dreams and aspirations" I told him that I always dreamed of being in the Olympics – or owning my own company. I asked him his and he told me that he would love to be a general in a war or a bounty killer. Basically he said he wanted to kill someone important. I thought this to be bizarre, but shrugged it off. While preparing dessert, he came over to start putting icing on the cupcakes. I smeared icing on his chest. We started to kiss passionately. It was the best kissing I had ever experienced. His body was so hot, fit and young. I felt like I was in heaven. We moved over to the bed, making out for about an hour. Time flew by. I got up to get a glass of water and I heard him call from the bedroom "I'm sleeping over tonight" – presumptuous I thought, and a bit direct, but I liked it. So I said, "OK, under two conditions. We smoke a joint and we are not having sex". He agreed. Afterwards we went for a walk in the old port. Sitting on a bench talking about life. On our way back we saw a couple having a serious fight. They were yelling at eachother like crazy. I said, can you imagine? Let's pretend to fight. So we started to yell and scream at eachother then proceeded to laugh at how ridiculous it was. Little did we know that was a foreshadow of what was to come.
September 19 2011
We went out for dinner to an Italian restaurant on St-Denis. It was good. Nothing too special. After that Louis wanted to go for Sheesha. He said, "do you want a drink?" I said "No, thanks, I will just have a tea". In my mind I was thinking, what doesn’t' he get? This is not going to work. He is not the one for you – if he can't understand and respect that I don't want to drink then we have a serious problem here. As we were sitting there, smoking Sheesha and drinking tea, he asked me "Do you want to be my date at my sisters wedding?" I was flattered that he wanted to ask me. I mean, we had only been dating a month. But at the same time, I was getting all these flags. I said yes, I would love to go…and wondered automatically what I would wear. I mean, here was this handsome, charming man who wanted ME to be his date for his SISTERS wedding. He must really like me. And that felt good.
Alexandre:
Hey do you know that place?
(pdf attached of hotel)
Lucy:
i have been there once, i think, because of my dad. it's RIGHT downtown...not even close to the desjardins office, haha.
looks really nice though. can i stay with you lol
Alexandre:
Find a way to take a day off!
Alexandre:
hey, how are you getting to toronto, the train?
Alexandre:
I'm Off, have fun at the gym!!!
See you tomorrow Lucy
Lucy:
merci !
bye alex
bonne soirée x
Alexandre:
T'es belle
September 20 2011
Insert song: Music Man
Lucy:
i forgot to tell you!
i wrote a song last night... :D
Alexandre:
Niiiiiiiice!
I wanna read it
Lucy:
we'll see...
i have to make some edits. but i want to keep writing new ones. its fun!
Alexandre:
Yea it's a lot of fun
We'll try to find a melody at my cottage haha
Lucie:
and then i will throw you in the lake, lol
Alexandre:
For sure you're gonna throw me in the lake
I look foward for it!
September 22 2011
Lucy:
I GOT MY GUITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
Alexandre:
Coooooooooool!!
Did you try it? What is the made of the guitar?
Lucy:
pas encore, non - c'est un Vantage ?
j'aiiiiiii hââââââteeeeeeeeeeee
maybe i will get a hot teacher!!!!
I ended up asking Alex for his work number so I could call him. He didn't answer so I left a funny little message on his machine. He then emailed me:
Alexandre:
You,re so nice to call me! thank you
Next time you come see me haha, I bet you're not game
I invited him to an outdoor concert downtown, Arcade Fire. He said yes. I was really looking forward to going with him. On lunch I went down to the 20th to grab something to eat and ran into him with another girl. The girl that I used to see him with all summer. The girl he once dated. "Kenzie, this is Emily" "Hi, nice to meet you!", I said, feeling very awkward. "I gotta run, have a great lunch". Afterwards I felt confused and weird. I soon asked what time he would be joining me at the show. He said, "Ohhhhhh, I can't come – I have to practice music with my brother at my sisters wedding". I was deflated. When was he going to tell me this? The next morning he wrote me an email, subject heading: How was the Arcade Fire show?
Lucy:
c'était tellement bon ! merci...the sound was great. TONS of people though.
toi, tu as passé une bonne soirée avec ton frère ?
Alexandre:
did you just call me?
Lucy:
why yes i did! do you not have an answering machine? i wanted to leave you a message
Alexandre:
I should make myself one you're right
Lucy:
you should!!! i wanted to leave you a funny message.
Alexandre:
what was your funny message? lol
The next morning we met on the 20th for coffee….I came back to my desk with this email:
Alexandre:
You leave fast! lol
I was sad! haha
Lucy:
no waaaaaaaaaaay. you are just joking with me. you dont get sad, remember?
you are always happpppppppppppy
Alexandre:
I was sooooooooooooo sad hahaha
It's annoying seeing you only 5 minutes
You're right, I'm not sad and I'm always happy
That last email was the first time I had any indication of emotion. Louis would always say that he was never sad. He was always happy. He didn't understand people who got depressed. That weekend was the big wedding. I did everything I could to prep. I even made a hair appointment to get an up-do. I was SO excited. He came over to pick me up with little time to spare. I answered the door, all my make-up done and hair placed perfectly. He didn't say a thing about my appearance. I felt instantly insecure. As we rushed to the church, we chit chatted and discussed our days.
We walked into the church. Although I was timid I was ready to meet and greet his family and friends. I generally felt pretty confident in these types of situations.
We proceeded to walk to the first pews, where his family was. I met his father, mother, brother and his girlfriend as we shimmied to the end. After we sat down, Louis mom leaned over and whispered: "She is beautiful" – he turned to me and told me what his mom just said. Though I didn't hear him tell me that he thought I was beautiful, I guess it coming from his mom was just as good, right? Shortly after his sister began walking down the aisle; it was starting! She looked stunning and radiant. As I stood there I wondered what it felt like to be her. I envied her. I was thinking to myself that it could be me. As she sat down beside her husband to be, she leaned over in her chair and mouthed the words: Enchanté, I mouthed back: Enchanté. I fell in love with her immediately.
The ceremony was followed by the reception at the golf course. Louis quickly got bombarded with questions from family members. I went straight tot the grandparents. If there was anyone I felt comfortable talking to, it was seniors. I sat down beside his grandfather, and chatted with him about his life and what he did. He bought multiple Real Estate properties in and around Montreal. At one point Louis came up and tried to get into our conversation. But we both wouldn't let him in. We were having too much fun – plus his grandfather was telling me about how smart Louis was, but how he wasn't a handy man in any way.
As we got to our table and sat down I looked around at everyone else. They were fairly young. Right away Louis started to ask everyone at the table, what they did for work, what they studied if they were in school, and so on. I thought, wow he's so social. I love this! Handsome, dynamic and readily able to talk to anyone and everyone. As the waiter was walking around our big table of 10, pouring wine in each glass, I started to feel uncomfortable. Would people notice me not drinking? Would someone ask why I wasn't drinking? This was the worst part of not drinking. How everyone else perceived it. It should be the part that bothers me the least. But, we often care too much of what others think, now don’t we? I let the waiter pour wine in my glass. I decided that it was okay. And I didn't want to draw attention to myself and say "No thanks" when everyone else was thoroughly enjoying the open bar service.
Louis went to take a sip of his wine, I asked him: "How is it? Can I smell it?" He passed his glass over to me. I held the stem and slowly put the rim up to my nose to smell it. Just as I was smelling the wine, I felt the rim tip towards my mouth. I looked down and saw Louis' hand on the bottom of my glass. I could see that he was intentionally tipping the glass so that it went straight into my mouth. It all happened so fast. Before I knew it there was white wine swirling around in my mouth. I sat there, not knowing what to do. Do I swallow it? It's been 8 months; I've been doing so well. I was so proud of myself. How can I just swallow those 8 months away? Well, I did. I gulped back the cold, crisp white wine. I felt like a vampire who had gone decades without a sip of blood. The monster inside me had awakened and I wanted more. Just like that, 8 months of work down the drain. I was back at square one. The most disturbing part was that Louis looked so happy, like he had just accomplished something great. I didn't feel good. I was bothered that he had done that. It seemed so incredibly wrong. Not long afterwards I excused myself to call my best friend to tell him what had just happened. Robert, my close male gay friend said "That's really not cool at all" – he was pretty upset about it. He was a big supporter of me stopping drinking. I said "Do you think this is a deal-breaker" and he said "Pretty much". I ignored this flaming red flag and proceeded to go and get myself another drink.
I hid by the bar, asking the bartender for another glass of wine. Louis was busy saying his goodbyes to family while I gulped down a glass of red before he could see; I had a nice buzz going on and I didn't want to lose it. Then Louis came over and said, "I want to have sex with you", though a bit odd, and not really romantic, I still felt good and replied "I want to have sex with you too". I knew that that's exactly what we would be doing later on that night. As we said our goodbyes to friends and family, I drunkenly walked over to his car with him and we set out for his house. We got back home and went straight to bed. I took off my BCBG dress and hopped into bed. We started making out and before I knew it he was inside me, with no condom. Never had a man felt so incredibly good to me. His body, his taste, the way he touched me. It was surreal. He seemed to be getting really excited, having to stop every few minutes to prevent him from going to early. We fooled around a bit more, and he didn't even end up going. He said he didn't need to. I found this very odd, coming from a guys mouth.
We woke up the next morning, Sunday morning. We lay in bed for hours, talking about everything under the sun. I rested my head on his shoulder. It fit so perfectly in the crevasse. That was always an indicator of whether or not a relationship would be long-term to me or not, If my head fit in the crevasse. If it naturally rolled out, then it wasn't meant to be. But if it could stay there without rolling off, well, it was something special. And my head rested there alright. We eventually got out of bed and Louis proceeded to make me breakfast. He then had me sit outside in their backyard, on a nice little patio set, as he brought everything out. It was a beautiful sunny September day. We sat outside while the birds were chirping and ate our scrambled eggs and toast with peanut butter on it. Then we went to play tennis. I got a little outfit on and away we went. Never had I don’t so many activities with a boy before. I was really starting to fall for him. We got to the tennis courts and started to play. I was terrible. As I would go to pick up all the balls along the fence that I had missed, he would get down on the ground and start doing push-ups. He was totally showing off, I thought. It was cute.
Lucy:
twelve is perfect. See you then!
______
That day, we met at 12:00 pm right in front of where the little security guard stood at the entrance, as instructed. Alexandr was standing there waiting for me when I arrived. He was wearing a dark blue and white striped Hugo Boss shirt, with the first three buttons undone revealing some of his chest hair. His pants were black, and fitted rather snugly to his bum. He has a really great bum, I thought. Wow. As we started walking to Piz Pistol, a pizza place on St.Catherines street, we started asking typical questions. One of my first questions to him was "How old are you?" "25", he said. Instantly I thought, Oh this isn't going to work. Far too young. "How old are you", he said. "29", I answered. "Hoooo, I thought you were around 26-27". Great, off to a good start I thought. Well what have I got to lose? I mean he's young, extremely sexy and could be fun. Kind of like Samantha Jones' Smith Jerrod from Sex and the City. Why not!
We sat down at a little table at Piz Pistol and each ordered a pizza. The questions continued to flow, where are you from, what do you do, where are you going. I told him that I had been born and raised in Toronto, Ontario but moved out to Whistler, B.C to follow one of the biggest events of the year, the Vancouver 2010 Olympics. I had spent 2 and a half years out there, working in marketing for the resort, while studying online for my project management certificate. I then left Whistler, B.C and drove my car all the way home to Toronto, alone. And shortly thereafter gotten a job working for a financial institution in Montreal. I also told him that I had been working on a fashion blog in my free time. He told me that he had recently moved out of his parents and into a place with some friends. He had just graduated from University and got a degree in finance. He was recently accepted into a sepcialized MBA program that had a focus on the CFA. He played music, didn't like going out to bars and clubs and played a lot of sports. This man couldn't quite get any better on paper, I thought.
After an hour exactly, we returned back to the office. I said thank you for lunch and we both took the elevator and went to our respective floors. I walked back towards my cubicle on giant, fluffy clouds. I sat down at my desk and just couldn't get over my excitement. How much fun was that, I thought? This could be a great little transition from out of a relationship. Hang out, go for lunches, have casual sex. It had the potential to be a nice, light little relationship. Both focusing on our goals, seeing each other in those little in between moments. And more importantly, focus on our career. Not getting married and having kids like with John. As I daydreamed at my desk about what a simple little relationship it would be, an email notification popped up on my screen:
Friday, September 2, 2011
Alexandre:
Hey I had a lot of fun, thanks for coming!
Lucie:
me too! thanks for inviting me... :)
Alexandre:
Haha you're right, Crocs are SO ugly
Lucie:
hahaha, i can't believe you're looking at it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alexandre:
Well I just took a fast look lol
I hope I won't be on that site next week haha
Lucie:
PS - here is my email. send me your music samples when you get a chance, i want to hear it!!!
Alexandre:
Ok I will Miss lucielee!
Here is mine.
Btw next week we're going for a drink after work if u want to
That weekend I went home to Toronto. I made plans to go to The Ex on Saturday with Travis. Which was kind of funny because he is actually my ex. Anyways, we were on a mission to sample as many deep fried food as we could. The more outrageous, the better! Deep fried butter balls is the furthest we went in terms of extreme deep friend tasting goes. It was a really great time, and I ended up sleeping over at Travis's, in his bed. We just slept beside each other like normal people and got up the next day to have brunch. My cousin Lindsay called me and asked how my date with "Hot sexy fuck-me lips" went. Lindsay and I are about as tight as siamese twins. She knows absolutely everything about me. It's scary. "So, how was it?" she asked excitedly. "Really good!", I said "He's definitely going to be fun. But that's it. He's FAR too young". "How old is he?" she asked. "26" I said. "Oh." she replied flatly. "Yes, fun indeed. A good transitioning relationship". "Exactly", I said. She just gets it, you know?
It was Monday morning and I was back at my desk. I picked out an especially cute outfit that morning in hopes of seeing Alexandre in the cafeteria. Perhaps I will just send him an email, I thought. Why not? He had always been so forward with me. So, I sat up in my chair, rolled my shoulders back and got into an upright position and wrote my little email.
September 5, 2011
Lucie:
Bon maaaaaaaaaatin, café?
Alexandre:
yea of course, at 9h45, u'll be there?
Lucie:
ouiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, very quickly.
Alexandre:
SO what are you're plans for this week?
Lucie:
not sure - i have plans tomorrow night - what about you?
Alexandre:
so what r my plans this week: nothing planned yet for tonight, tomorrow night I have class, thursday I have a music practice and nothnig for friday
Lucie:
i can make you dinner !!!! and you can come meet gary.
Alexandre:
hooo that sounds great!!!!!!!!!1
Meeting gary and eating a special dinner made by you and me (cuz I'm gonna help you), that's gonna be fun
Let's do that friday because I don't work the day after
Lucie:
gooooooooood. now we have to think about the menu (and what you would like for dessert!).
yes, friday is definitely better. glad you can make it.
Alexandre:
Alright we have until friday to figure out the menu lol
A nice plate of pasta wouldn't be bad though, it's always good and easy to cook!
Gary was my pet guinea pig. I got him last January when I was feeling lonely and in need of a pet. He was pretty low-maintenance and didn't exactly show a lot of affection, but he did the trick. I was living alone in a neat little apartment in the Old Port of downtown Montreal. I had just moved in July, highly anticipating being on my own again. The apartment was perfect for one. It was on the third story story of a triplex on a quiet side street that connected to cobblestone streets. I had beautiful hardwood floors and large wood rafters lining the ceiling.
Although I was excited to see Alexandre on Friday, I was also exploring my other desires. I had created an account on Plenty of Fish not that long ago in search of a woman. I had always known about my orientation ever since I was really young. My first sexual experience was with a girl. I knew I was attracted to woman, I just never really envisioned myself with one. To me, it was purely physical.
I came across an interesting profile, Puzzlefiend, she called herself. A highly intelligent young lady who had just completed her doctrate in the states. In her picture she had long, dark hair and brown eyes with a nice smile. I messaged her for coffee and we met shortly after. She reminded me of a number of people I knew all morphed into one other different person. I found this happened to me a lot. Since the initial date went really well we planned for a second one. There was a John Galliano fashion exhibit at the museum. We planned to go on the Wednesday prior to my hot dinner date Friday.
I walked to work that day with an extra pep in my step. It was sunny outside and the Old Port was calm and quiet. After 15 minutes I arrived at work and turned on my computer. It was 9:00 am. Coffee would be served at 9:30 am, as per Josie's usual schedule. I started to head down around 9:28 am. As I was helping myself to the free coffee, Alexandre stood right beside me. "Good morning" he said, "Good morning" I said back. God he was so hot. It was incredible, really. He looked like a Calvin Klein model. I always said I didn't want to date a guy who was better looking than me, which automatically deemed him off-limits by default. We had a quick chat, and he mentioned he was going shopping after work. Surely, a girl who loves to shop, couldn't resist and invited myself via email to join him before the end of the day.
Lucie:
hey, you still going shopping after work? you want company for an hour or so? i have some free time from 4:40 - 5:30.
(I learned somewhere along the lines of my professional career that if you give odd times, it makes people think that you're busier than you are). Now, it wasn't like I was pretending to be busy, I really did have a commitment, but for some reason I just couldn't resist myself in this case.
Alexandre:
Yea why not! I'll be glad to be accompanied by a pro shopper
I finish work around that time too
Lucie:
what's ur phone number so we can meet out of the office
I met Alexandre right after work in the exact same spot, where the little security guard was. We began our walk out of the building towards Saint-Catherine Street. As we walked we started firing questions at one another. "What's your favourite band" he asked. My knee-jerk reaction said "Nirvana", but then I quickly replaced that with "Beatles". "As much as I like Nirvana, I think a lot of my favorite music stems from the Beatles, so I will make that my final answer", I said, pretty pleased with myself. Alexandre looked happy with my choice, as well. We continued to walk and talk while we made our way to The Bay to look at ties for him to wear to his sisters wedding. After about 30 min of looking around and not finding anything, we both had to get on our way. Alexandre and I began walking towards our destinations when finally our paths split. "Thanks for joining me today", said Alexandre. "My pleasure", I answered. I swear Alexandre wanted to kiss me right there and then, but with me meeting Jessie right around the corner at the museum, I didn't think it would be a good idea. Not to mention it was a bit early for that. We said our goodbye's and walked in opposite directions. I'm starting to kind of like this guy, I thought. The lead up to Friday was beginning to become more and more exciting.
Lucie:
bonjour,
i hope your coffee stains are dry now!
question for demain: whats better, you come over right after work - or you go home and come over in the early evening?
Alexandre:
I take the second option!
It would have been fun to walk to your place, but I want to go get my car before
Lucy:
excellent ! and that gives me some time to start preparing the food...
what would you like for dessert, cookies or cupcakes?
Alexandre:
I'll say cupcakes cuz I think that's what u like the most haha
Do you like wine?
I don’t think I answered this question in the email…but we had a discussion about it while on a coffee break. I told him that I stopped drinking for about 7 months – that my family had a history of alcoholism and that I enjoyed not drinking. He didn't understand this notion – how someone like me could have a problem. He told me that I didn't have a problem – and more specifically "Who doesn't drink alcohol?" – this was a significant red flag for me. He wasn't understanding or empathic towards me being honest about who I was – and where I came from. But I took it as, well he came from a solid family with no history of alcoholism, so he just wouldn't understand. Just because he came from a "solid" family doesn't mean he can't be understanding or emphatic and respect and support my choice…and later on he shows no respect and forces me to drink.
Lucy:
you are soooooooooo sweet.
ok, pick one then, chocolate or vanilla.
Alexandre:
Hahaha, that's soooooooo sweet!
He came over for dinner that Friday night. He showed up about 20 min late. I made my signature meal: stuffed roast chicken with lemon and rosemary. Mashed patatoes with gravy and caramalized carrots. Homemade chocolate cupcakes for dessert. He didn't bring any wine over. I was playing the xx in the background. He asked me questions like "what are your dreams and aspirations" I told him that I always dreamed of being in the Olympics – or owning my own company. I asked him his and he told me that he would love to be a general in a war or a bounty killer. Basically he said he wanted to kill someone important. I thought this to be bizarre, but shrugged it off. While preparing dessert, he came over to start putting icing on the cupcakes. I smeared icing on his chest. We started to kiss passionately. It was the best kissing I had ever experienced. His body was so hot, fit and young. I felt like I was in heaven. We moved over to the bed, making out for about an hour. Time flew by. I got up to get a glass of water and I heard him call from the bedroom "I'm sleeping over tonight" – presumptuous I thought, and a bit direct, but I liked it. So I said, "OK, under two conditions. We smoke a joint and we are not having sex". He agreed. Afterwards we went for a walk in the old port. Sitting on a bench talking about life. On our way back we saw a couple having a serious fight. They were yelling at eachother like crazy. I said, can you imagine? Let's pretend to fight. So we started to yell and scream at eachother then proceeded to laugh at how ridiculous it was. Little did we know that was a foreshadow of what was to come.
September 19 2011
We went out for dinner to an Italian restaurant on St-Denis. It was good. Nothing too special. After that Louis wanted to go for Sheesha. He said, "do you want a drink?" I said "No, thanks, I will just have a tea". In my mind I was thinking, what doesn’t' he get? This is not going to work. He is not the one for you – if he can't understand and respect that I don't want to drink then we have a serious problem here. As we were sitting there, smoking Sheesha and drinking tea, he asked me "Do you want to be my date at my sisters wedding?" I was flattered that he wanted to ask me. I mean, we had only been dating a month. But at the same time, I was getting all these flags. I said yes, I would love to go…and wondered automatically what I would wear. I mean, here was this handsome, charming man who wanted ME to be his date for his SISTERS wedding. He must really like me. And that felt good.
Alexandre:
Hey do you know that place?
(pdf attached of hotel)
Lucy:
i have been there once, i think, because of my dad. it's RIGHT downtown...not even close to the desjardins office, haha.
looks really nice though. can i stay with you lol
Alexandre:
Find a way to take a day off!
Alexandre:
hey, how are you getting to toronto, the train?
Alexandre:
I'm Off, have fun at the gym!!!
See you tomorrow Lucy
Lucy:
merci !
bye alex
bonne soirée x
Alexandre:
T'es belle
September 20 2011
Insert song: Music Man
Lucy:
i forgot to tell you!
i wrote a song last night... :D
Alexandre:
Niiiiiiiice!
I wanna read it
Lucy:
we'll see...
i have to make some edits. but i want to keep writing new ones. its fun!
Alexandre:
Yea it's a lot of fun
We'll try to find a melody at my cottage haha
Lucie:
and then i will throw you in the lake, lol
Alexandre:
For sure you're gonna throw me in the lake
I look foward for it!
September 22 2011
Lucy:
I GOT MY GUITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
Alexandre:
Coooooooooool!!
Did you try it? What is the made of the guitar?
Lucy:
pas encore, non - c'est un Vantage ?
j'aiiiiiii hââââââteeeeeeeeeeee
maybe i will get a hot teacher!!!!
I ended up asking Alex for his work number so I could call him. He didn't answer so I left a funny little message on his machine. He then emailed me:
Alexandre:
You,re so nice to call me! thank you
Next time you come see me haha, I bet you're not game
I invited him to an outdoor concert downtown, Arcade Fire. He said yes. I was really looking forward to going with him. On lunch I went down to the 20th to grab something to eat and ran into him with another girl. The girl that I used to see him with all summer. The girl he once dated. "Kenzie, this is Emily" "Hi, nice to meet you!", I said, feeling very awkward. "I gotta run, have a great lunch". Afterwards I felt confused and weird. I soon asked what time he would be joining me at the show. He said, "Ohhhhhh, I can't come – I have to practice music with my brother at my sisters wedding". I was deflated. When was he going to tell me this? The next morning he wrote me an email, subject heading: How was the Arcade Fire show?
Lucy:
c'était tellement bon ! merci...the sound was great. TONS of people though.
toi, tu as passé une bonne soirée avec ton frère ?
Alexandre:
did you just call me?
Lucy:
why yes i did! do you not have an answering machine? i wanted to leave you a message
Alexandre:
I should make myself one you're right
Lucy:
you should!!! i wanted to leave you a funny message.
Alexandre:
what was your funny message? lol
The next morning we met on the 20th for coffee….I came back to my desk with this email:
Alexandre:
You leave fast! lol
I was sad! haha
Lucy:
no waaaaaaaaaaay. you are just joking with me. you dont get sad, remember?
you are always happpppppppppppy
Alexandre:
I was sooooooooooooo sad hahaha
It's annoying seeing you only 5 minutes
You're right, I'm not sad and I'm always happy
That last email was the first time I had any indication of emotion. Louis would always say that he was never sad. He was always happy. He didn't understand people who got depressed. That weekend was the big wedding. I did everything I could to prep. I even made a hair appointment to get an up-do. I was SO excited. He came over to pick me up with little time to spare. I answered the door, all my make-up done and hair placed perfectly. He didn't say a thing about my appearance. I felt instantly insecure. As we rushed to the church, we chit chatted and discussed our days.
We walked into the church. Although I was timid I was ready to meet and greet his family and friends. I generally felt pretty confident in these types of situations.
We proceeded to walk to the first pews, where his family was. I met his father, mother, brother and his girlfriend as we shimmied to the end. After we sat down, Louis mom leaned over and whispered: "She is beautiful" – he turned to me and told me what his mom just said. Though I didn't hear him tell me that he thought I was beautiful, I guess it coming from his mom was just as good, right? Shortly after his sister began walking down the aisle; it was starting! She looked stunning and radiant. As I stood there I wondered what it felt like to be her. I envied her. I was thinking to myself that it could be me. As she sat down beside her husband to be, she leaned over in her chair and mouthed the words: Enchanté, I mouthed back: Enchanté. I fell in love with her immediately.
The ceremony was followed by the reception at the golf course. Louis quickly got bombarded with questions from family members. I went straight tot the grandparents. If there was anyone I felt comfortable talking to, it was seniors. I sat down beside his grandfather, and chatted with him about his life and what he did. He bought multiple Real Estate properties in and around Montreal. At one point Louis came up and tried to get into our conversation. But we both wouldn't let him in. We were having too much fun – plus his grandfather was telling me about how smart Louis was, but how he wasn't a handy man in any way.
As we got to our table and sat down I looked around at everyone else. They were fairly young. Right away Louis started to ask everyone at the table, what they did for work, what they studied if they were in school, and so on. I thought, wow he's so social. I love this! Handsome, dynamic and readily able to talk to anyone and everyone. As the waiter was walking around our big table of 10, pouring wine in each glass, I started to feel uncomfortable. Would people notice me not drinking? Would someone ask why I wasn't drinking? This was the worst part of not drinking. How everyone else perceived it. It should be the part that bothers me the least. But, we often care too much of what others think, now don’t we? I let the waiter pour wine in my glass. I decided that it was okay. And I didn't want to draw attention to myself and say "No thanks" when everyone else was thoroughly enjoying the open bar service.
Louis went to take a sip of his wine, I asked him: "How is it? Can I smell it?" He passed his glass over to me. I held the stem and slowly put the rim up to my nose to smell it. Just as I was smelling the wine, I felt the rim tip towards my mouth. I looked down and saw Louis' hand on the bottom of my glass. I could see that he was intentionally tipping the glass so that it went straight into my mouth. It all happened so fast. Before I knew it there was white wine swirling around in my mouth. I sat there, not knowing what to do. Do I swallow it? It's been 8 months; I've been doing so well. I was so proud of myself. How can I just swallow those 8 months away? Well, I did. I gulped back the cold, crisp white wine. I felt like a vampire who had gone decades without a sip of blood. The monster inside me had awakened and I wanted more. Just like that, 8 months of work down the drain. I was back at square one. The most disturbing part was that Louis looked so happy, like he had just accomplished something great. I didn't feel good. I was bothered that he had done that. It seemed so incredibly wrong. Not long afterwards I excused myself to call my best friend to tell him what had just happened. Robert, my close male gay friend said "That's really not cool at all" – he was pretty upset about it. He was a big supporter of me stopping drinking. I said "Do you think this is a deal-breaker" and he said "Pretty much". I ignored this flaming red flag and proceeded to go and get myself another drink.
I hid by the bar, asking the bartender for another glass of wine. Louis was busy saying his goodbyes to family while I gulped down a glass of red before he could see; I had a nice buzz going on and I didn't want to lose it. Then Louis came over and said, "I want to have sex with you", though a bit odd, and not really romantic, I still felt good and replied "I want to have sex with you too". I knew that that's exactly what we would be doing later on that night. As we said our goodbyes to friends and family, I drunkenly walked over to his car with him and we set out for his house. We got back home and went straight to bed. I took off my BCBG dress and hopped into bed. We started making out and before I knew it he was inside me, with no condom. Never had a man felt so incredibly good to me. His body, his taste, the way he touched me. It was surreal. He seemed to be getting really excited, having to stop every few minutes to prevent him from going to early. We fooled around a bit more, and he didn't even end up going. He said he didn't need to. I found this very odd, coming from a guys mouth.
We woke up the next morning, Sunday morning. We lay in bed for hours, talking about everything under the sun. I rested my head on his shoulder. It fit so perfectly in the crevasse. That was always an indicator of whether or not a relationship would be long-term to me or not, If my head fit in the crevasse. If it naturally rolled out, then it wasn't meant to be. But if it could stay there without rolling off, well, it was something special. And my head rested there alright. We eventually got out of bed and Louis proceeded to make me breakfast. He then had me sit outside in their backyard, on a nice little patio set, as he brought everything out. It was a beautiful sunny September day. We sat outside while the birds were chirping and ate our scrambled eggs and toast with peanut butter on it. Then we went to play tennis. I got a little outfit on and away we went. Never had I don’t so many activities with a boy before. I was really starting to fall for him. We got to the tennis courts and started to play. I was terrible. As I would go to pick up all the balls along the fence that I had missed, he would get down on the ground and start doing push-ups. He was totally showing off, I thought. It was cute.
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